It's my life :or: things I have trouble saying

Right now there are plenty of other things I could be doing. I could be working on a paper for my psych class. I could be working on storyboards I need to have done in 2 hours. I could be drooling over the Nexus 4. (I want to get it this summer to replace my jank phone.) However, here I am, typing up my feelings.

Do you ever get to that point where you just keep feeling like you need to do something? Maybe something that scares you, or makes you uncomfortable, or you just don't want to do. Well, on this upcoming Thursday, I will be doing floor worship on my friends floor. And by doing I mean giving my "testimony". Now, this terrifies the shit out of me for two reasons. A: I have trouble with talking in front of groups of people. B: I'm not good at sharing my faith.

I mean, I don't even really have a faith. I'm still getting there. This is me, being honest, and saying if I were to do right now, I do not know if I'd go to heaven. And that's okay. Even if I was a professing christian, even if I was at that place, I still would have doubts, or wonder if I was good enough. And that is also okay.

See, here's the thing. I grew up in the church. Like, my granpa started going to church at Lake Avenue. And then all my aunts and uncles and my dad grew up at Lake Avenue. And then when I was born, I went to Lake Avenue. You see where I'm going with this? I never really had a choice. It was never my faith. It was always expected of me. Assumed, really. And I can't have any sort of personal faith, anything I firmly believe in, if I'm only believing it because someone else doesn't want me to go to hell. That's not how it works. I can't be a christian for anyone other than me. Well. Maybe for Jesus.

I stepped back. Not completely, it's not like I'm an atheist now. I still believe in a lot of the things I was told and taught, I still believe that there's a God, and that love is the answer. But I had to step back, I had to find out if I believed in this stuff because it made sense to me, because I could grasp it, or if I was just holding on to a ghost of someone else's faith. I can't do that. I can't. That's not mine. I know they say sharing is caring, but I can't share someone else's faith. That's like saying that David Tennant is the best Doctor, solely because other people believe that. (I actually don't have a favorite Doctor. Everytime I try to decide, I just keep finding things I love about all of them.)

And then there are problems with the church itself. The church is broken. I mean, it's made up of braken people, but that's not the only reason. The church is for believers. It is for Christians. I go into a service, and I feel like, as a good Christian being, I'm supposed to be convicted. But I'm not there. I'm just not. I may go to the service, I may laugh at funny parts, I may feel sad about sad parts, I may love the music. But I don't feel it. You feel me? I don't long to be a better Christian, I'm not sure if I am a Christian, how can I be expected to try and be a better one?

The title Christian itself is so maimed and hurt, both by the media, AND by things the church has done. I'm not really sure I want the tag on me. I think being a follower of Jesus is worthy of striving for. I mean, dude was awesome. At least canon Jesus, who flips over tables and was sassy. And he loved like crazy. I mean, what he did, he did for love. That is beautiful. That is worthy of emulating.

Here's the thing. I can't do things half assed. I either have to be in all the way or not at all. I either have to not give a fuck, or do it with all of me. I can't do it lukewarm; I can't be lukewarm. That won't work, I can not do it. But if I was a "Christian" just to make my mom happy, I would be lukewarm. I would just be going through the paces, pretty much pretending to be what I'm expected to be.

I'm actually pretty happy that even though the college I go to is a christian college, they're pretty apathetic about your faith. If I was here, and I was expected to be a holy and devote christian, I would not be able to try to figure it out. I would go back to doing what I had done throughout middle and high school, just doing the motions and not rocking the boat.

A faith that's not yours is no faith at all. You can't find comfort in it, there's no peace there for you. Maybe someday I'll get to the point where I can say I am a christian. But today is not that day. I don't have all the answers, I barely have any answers. And that's okay. As they say in A Very Potter Musical, "Okay is wonderful."

And like they say in The Fault in Our Stars: Okay.

See, where I am in my life is okay. It's okay not to know, it's okay to be figuring that out, if I live to 100 and still haven't figured it out, that's okay too. Actually, I hope I've figured something out before a hundred. But it's a journey, and it's my journey. It's my progress. There will be others around me who will encourage and council and suggest and want. But at the end of the day, it is my fucking life. I need to be the one to figure out how to live it.

So I spent the whole time I was typing this feeling vaguely panicky, and kind of like I could cry, and then I looked up The Fault in our Stars, and that didn't help at all. Gah. I love that book, but it makes me sad. But a beautiful sad, ya feel? The kind of sadness you get when you hear a song, and it's sad, but it's also gut wrenchingly beautiful, filled with haunting truths and could be's. And then it ends and you're just left there trying to decide whether to cry, or go back and start it all over again.

So. This is where the pick up lines go, and who am I to disappoint? I'm feeling sweeter lines for today. And a Hank Green quote as a bonus.

Let it pan

Castle Pan from Abi Freeland on Vimeo.


So. I shared my photoshop drawings, here's the final work. Eh? Eh? Also, make sure you let it keep playing for a couple seconds before closing the window. Just trust me on this.

xoxo

Some Harry Potter loving

There has to be some correlation between how much homework I have, and how much I want to blog. The only homework I could do from where I am is either sketching, which I'll get to after this post (maybe), or reading for psych, and I don't have my book. Oh, fiddlesticks. I don't even know what exactly I'm going to talk about, so that's exciting.

Or maybe I'll just write a blog on Harry Potter, and why I adore it. Let's go with good old JK. (Doctor Who reference, anyone?) Growing up I was not allowed to read Harry Potter. Which I resented greatly, I have never liked being told what not to read. Books are sacred, don't limit my options. (Does that even make sense? Whatever.) I finally read all the Harry Potter books last summer, after having seen all the movies, and having read fanfiction. I was a pretty big potterhead before having read the books, and I had a cousin who would often read sections out that she found funny, and would share tons of facts and bits with me.

Then I read the books for myself. Let me just say, damn. Those books are phenomenal. The character development, plots, and funny bits all weave together and make it masterfully written. My dad was always against them because magic and witches and witchcraft is bad unless allegorical. But that's not what the books are about at all. It's not a book about witches doing witchy stuff, there books about friendship, loss, war, social injustice, love, loyalty.

When the books start, we get so happy that Harry finally gets out of his old home life, without love, and gets to go to Hogwarts, gets to finally have friends and people around him who like and cherish and love him. Really, the bit with Voldemort is exciting, but not the part that thrills me. He finds a home. A real home, not just a house where he happens to reside.

Then we go to the next book. All the old friends are back, Ron, Hermione, and Harry are all closer than ever. And we keep going on to the next book, we keep needing to know what happens, we love these characters, we cry when something happens to them. The end comes, and some people die, and it breaks our hearts. These are people that we love. They may be fictional, but that does not stop it from hurting.

My favorites are Tonks, Sirius and James, Fred and George, Oliver Wood, Luna, Seamus, and McGonagall.
Tonks because she expressed herself by using bright colors. When her heart got broken, the color went out of her life (and hair), and I relate to that. Well, not having my heart broken, but on bad days, it just seems like the world is a bit less colorful. Plus, even though she's a bit clumsy, she's still a bamf.
Sirius and James (they go together in my mind- I love all the Marauders. Except Peter. He's such a rat) Because they just seem like they always have so much fun. I mean, yes, they were a bit of jerks, but they were also loyal. I'm mostly basing this off Marauders time period, so most of what I'm basing this off of is fanfiction, but I love them. Even when Sirius is older, and gets a bit emo, he manages to give Harry a bit of what it would be like to have a family.
Fred and George, because honestly, who doesn't love them? They always make me smile.
Oliver because he's so obsessed with quidditch, and it's adorable, and he and Katie Bell belong with each other. Also, the actor who plays him in the movie is Sean Biggerstaff, and if that doesn't make you chuckle, I don't know what will.
Luna because even though she's a bit odd, she's so sweet, and loyal. I actually feel like I relate to her alot to, I never really had an abundance of friends, and definitely not super good friends, and it can mean so much when you finally get some really close friends. You end up cherishing those friends, and do whatever you can to make sure they stay happy. Did I mention she's adorable? I actually want to name a daughter Alice Luna because of her. Someday off in the future.
And Seamus cause he's Irish and blows stuff up on accident, and makes me smile.
I want to be McGonagall when I grow up. If you haven't read the books, or seen the movies, you wouldn't understand, but if you have.... There's a chance you know what I'm talking about. I could prolly fill a whole blogpost about how much I love her.

My dad has said he doesn't approve of the books because of what's in them. But he's never read them, so he really doesn't know what's in them

Yes, there are spells. And potions. And ghosts. And even werewolves. But there's so much more. There's a family, just waiting for you behind the cover, a humongous family, based all over the world. It's not just the Weasleys and Potters and professors waiting for you, it's also the huge fanbase. So many hundreds of people have read this series, and it all means something different for everyone. But it also means kind of the same thing, too. Home.

Pick up line time!!! And of course they be HP themed!

Last thing, The Lizzie Bennet Diaries? SO GOOD. Just so fucking good. And we finally found out about Wickham, and what he's doing to hurt Lydia, and gah. So many feels. I just really love it, but simultaneously want to cry. Why do bad things have to happen to good characters? Or characters we love?

Who has 2 thumbs and Loves the Lizzie Bennet Diaries?

THIS GIRL RIGHT HERE!!!!
Bitches
I love this web show so much. And I want to share it with everyone I can!! ....Or spam it everywhere I can, which ever.

Sometimes I just go through a phase where I just want to watch all the Pride and Prejudice I can. I also have troubles with trying to spell prejudice with two d's. But yah. Y'all should mosey on over and check it out.

Wwhhhhhaaaaaat. 

 I really love how they made Darcy seem all hipster-y. "These people seem to be enjoying popular music un-ironically."


A drop in the ocean, a change in the weather, I was praying that you and me might end up together. <3
Not a pick up line per say, but a line from a song that can be used as a pick up line...

Oh hai thar

So, um, I've kind of been absent here, haven't I? Whoopsy... I may or may not have forgotten I have a blog.

Schools been out for over 2 weeks, and I've been working on my room and redecorating it, painting my nails, reading, going shopping, Tumblr-ing. Fun stuff. And I haven't really had many profound wisdom hitting, I need to share this with everyone type moments.

Though I will say, every now and then, I just get hit with all the stupid, insensitive things I've said and done. And it's like it just plays on repeat, over and over again. It could be hormones/PMS related + the lack of people to keep me sane. But it just all hits me. And it makes me wonder how I even have friends. Seriously, it does.  Now, I'm not good at thinking before I talk. Sometimes my words just come out. Especially when I'm tired, and I just want to say everything I think of. It's not pretty. I feel like I've gotten much, much better over the last couple years. Needless to say, I was a child without tact. An adorable child, I'm sure, but definitely one with out tact.

The thing is, I'm already insecure. And pretty sure I have OCD. My mum thinks so too. I can't let things go. I overthink to a fault, sometimes. I'm bad at letting feelings go. And I'm not surrounded by people right now who make it known that it's okay for me to hang out with them. Who let me know they like being around me. That they like me. My summer schedule is work, home, sleep, repeat, pretty much. I haven't really done anything with anyone. And my family has to like me. So right now, I'm semi-bi-polar. I just keep thinking about all my unthinking blunders, and then sometimes I manage to move on and be fine.

Maybe when I've stopped bleeding and cramping, I'll be closer to my usual norm. Maybe it is just hormones. But right now, while it's not over whelming, it's still there, and it's screwing with my insecurities like nothing else.

I might be driving out to visit a friend soon, though! Super excited about that.

Not Alone

So, Glee came on again last night. So good. So much Darren. And my friend Danielle was practically in tears during all the Darren Criss- y goodness. (Like when he was in the shower. Which was my favorite part as well)

But then she wrote a blog about why she loves Darren Criss, and Team Starkid. And it was beautiful. And it made me want to write a blog about why I love Darren and Starkid so much.

Growing up, I didn't have an abundance of friends, or really close friends. My sister is 5 and half years older than me, so she pretty much stopped playing with me about when I was 7. I was homeschooled and lived about an hour away from most the people I know. Off a highway, so I don't even really have neighbors. Don't get me wrong, I went out and did stuff with people. I wasn't a total recluse. But I never had a chance to get to be bosom buddies with anyone. I always pictured myself as Anne Shirley, but I had no Dianna to run and play with. And so, my bestest closest friends that I cherished the most, (and still dearly loved), were books. Through middle school and high school, the highlight of my week was always going to the library to get an assload of books. New friends, old friends. Some I left as acquaintances, which I never fell in love with, but I still recognize them on the shelves. Others I fell deeply and ardently in love with, and I read and re-read them like crazy.

Somewhere in highschool, between my Junior and Senior year, I discovered A Very Potter Musical. And I loved it. Also, about when I started, they had just put out A Very Potter Sequel. And I just watched it and loved it. I went on to watch Me and My Dick, and then when Starship came out I watched, got the album, would've gotten the shirts, but I had no money for it. On Friday, yes this Friday, April the 13th, Starkid's next musical comes out. And you can bet your ass I will be watching it. Possibly much more than once.

You see, the magical thing about Starkid, more than them being college students who wrote and put on these amazing musicals, more than them becoming super popular and still incredibly nice, The thing is..... They made me feel like I wasn't alone. Whether it was Harry Freaking Potter finally finding a home at Hogwarts, or a dick finding true love, or Bug becoming a Starship Ranger, they were all there for me. Through their musicals, and their cuteness, and their nerdiness. They are just lovely human beings.

They gave me hope for college. That I would find friends there, and we would go on to do great things, and be supermegaawesomefoxyhot friends. As someone who is really shy/awkward around people she doesn't know, I was super nervous about going to college, if I would become friends with anyone, if people would like me. Actually, I talked with people the very first week about Team Starkid. And we're still good friends. Actually the people I talked to are now some of my best friends on campus.

Starkid told me I'm not alone. That I need to kick it up a notch, that there's no way we're giving up, that I don't know me, the way they do. And when it's time, in less than a month, to say goodbye to all these wonderful people I've come to love for summer break, Days of Summer will be constantly playing. Along with Gotta Get Back to Hogwarts.

And I would just like to say, bless Joe Walker's abs. Just.... just bless them....

Time Ticks Stealthily Away...

I am, as you know, in college. A freshman. And I am currently on spring break!!! Such a lovely lovely thing. It's almost over. I haven't really done anything too exciting yet. I've caught up on sleep, worked, and bought some jeans. (wearing them now, actually.) It's been good. Nice and peaceful. I miss people lots, but it hasn't been horrible.

Now, to the blog's point. Or at least the part where I get to the legit post..... Prolly won't get to the actual point for a bit.... 
So, this weekend I'm going to this overnight thing. It's for church volleyball, on Saturday all the teenaged persons in the Nazarene church in Northeastern Indiana shall all come together and display their talents for all to see. So the volleyball team from my old zone is going to sleep in the same place at the same time the night before. It helps with bonding and shit, mostly it means everyone will get there at the same time. No worrying about weather this person or that person going to make it, cause they're already all there! Like lil goslings under the mother goose's wing.....

Just last year, I went to that, and participated. Just last year. It doesn't feel like just last year. It feels both like it was just yesterday, and yet forever ago. I mean, I'm halfway through my current semester, and it seems like we just started yesterday.

Maybe it's because I don't really see the same people all the time anymore. Instead I have all my friends from college. (mostly Film, Animation, Ed, and Art majors.) So it's almost like a different life. I don't miss it that much, I love college, and my major, the people here. I really really do. The main thing I miss is all the time to read, and quizzing. I'd try to really explain quizzing, but it's like a book that you love, that you can never explain well, so you have to sit there and say, "It's actually really cool! I promise!" Mostly it's awesome because of the people in it. I love them all.

So how does the time do it? I know now, so often I'm caught up in deadlines, and just getting everything done by the deadline, it just feels like one long day sometimes. With bits of sleep and seeing people between. But how can something, that will be a year ago on Saturday, how can that seem like a lifetime ago? 

Well, I doubt I'm going to figure that out, especially since it makes my brain hurt just thinking about it. I'm just going to try to put it out of my mind (though it'll prolly come back sometime at night when all I really want is to just fall asleep.) and enjoy this weekend, seeing people I used to know.

I'm going to go find a pickup line to put at the end of this blog, cause they make me happy. brb.
I found one I'd love to use, but it's a Halloween one..... the search continues.
 If I had Captain Jack Sparrow's compass, right now it would be pointing at you. <3

Recycled post about Books

*All the pictures are from Tumblr.... I don't know how to credit whom.
There's just something wonderful about a good book. Especially an old friend of a book. You may have read it before, but it still thrills the heartstrings, and plays them for a sucker. I know I'm a sucker for my favorite series and authors. If a new book comes out in a series I love, there might be slight bouncing around and squealing in excitement. Though I try to keep it to a minimum, as I normally am in a library (which happens to be my favorite place in the world) when I discover this wonderful happening. Normally ends up with me smiling too much. But what are you going to do?
I sit here in my room, surrounded by some of my best friends, and I look at them and I remember the times I've had with them. The times many times some part of me has fallen asleep because I've been too engrossed in the tale to move. The times I've wanted to remember a certain page, but I didn't have a bookmark so I tried really hard to memorize the page number. The times when I'm just trying to read, but people keep asking me about what I'm reading so I get all pissy and avoid the question as best I can. The long car rides, where I drowned out everything except for my mother's voice.

The times I've been in an enchanted castle wondering around trying to find the library. The time I was chatting with the Cheshire. The time I was a spy. The time I visited the Louvre. The time I flew on a dragon's back. The time I met John and Jack and Charles and Tumnus And Jules. The time I went to face Smaug. The time I caught the snitch. The time I ran on rooftops and talked to gods without fear. The time I was at Camp Half-blood. The time I visited the summer court of the fae and came out years later. The time I rode black beauty. The time I visited a dinotopia, and got lost in a different world. The time I killed myself for mine love was dead. The time I sledded with Calvin, and learned something with Frazz and haunted the night with Bruce and Logan.

The time I lived on Mango street, and the time where all I wanted was to be the catcher in the rye, and the time Lizzy was dancing with Darcy, and the time Alice fell down the hole, and the horse and his boy made it safe and sound and Sakura lost her memories, and the time Georgie Porgie kissed the girls and made the cry, the time Gwain became the defender of ladies everywhere, and his squire turned out to be the prince of the summer council, and Percy finally found out who his father was, and Gen ends up king, Jacen ends up Darth Cademus, the Scarlett Pimpernell ended up being Sir Percy Blakeney, rain finally comes to Bamarre, Atalanta refuses to be princess, Charles Wallace is a genius who just needs time, and there is a great ring of endless lights.

There's something wonderful about a book. It's a portal, if you will, to another world, another life, another time. For a bit, we get to experience something that can be completely different from what we know. We laugh, we cry, we feel. It makes us think, it makes us dream, it makes us smile. Even if you aren't a big reader, the thrill of a book is expressed in millions of other ways, like songs, movies, audio books. But for me, there is nothing better than a bunch of pages with a bunch of little black squiggles. I love pictures and and picture books and the like, but if there's no pictures in my book, that's just fine with me. (Excluding my comics and comic books. There better be pictures, or I will not be happy.) It's like the perfect recipe for those prone to flights of fancy. Or those who have dreamed of what it would be like to fly. Both of which I have been guilty of.

You’re so hunky, you must be hiding a rapidly aging portrait somewhere in your attic.
Girl, you’re so flawless, even James Wood couldn’t find anything to criticize.

Do you know how I can contact Sherlock Holmes? Because I need to solve the mystery of how to win your heart.

We could make such a beautiful library together.

I can recall a an allusion to Shakespeare in reference to how beautiful you are.

Not even Veritaserum could make me express how much I’m truly attracted to you.

My love for you burns like a dying phoenix"You look so much like a princess, I put poison in that apple you're eating. Let's hope my antidote-chapstick does the trick."
It was a dark and stormy night.