Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Scaredy Cat or I really shouldn't be in Gryffindor

 I think, I could be wrong (I don't have alot of data to base it on) But I think I'm scared. Now, I have my fair share of doubts, fears, and anxieties. For instance, I have an irrational fear of mannequins. It's not as bad as it used to be when I was a little tyke, but they still really freak me out. And I get anxiety when it comes to speaking out in class, or even Sunday school classes. I can't do it, till it becomes almost a fear or, what if I open my mouth and something stupid comes out? Or I'll be thinking about my birthday for whatever reason, and I'll get terrified that I'll just blurt out that "It's muh birthday!" It scares me. And don't get me started on public speaking. Long story short, I shake. It's not pleasant.

Recently, I've been thinking about boyfriends and how nice it would be to have one. But at the same time, I'm scared. What if no one ever likes me? What if I love this person? Will that person love me the same way? It's very very scary. It's almost like gambling on not only your fucking emotions, but some one else's too. You have no idea how they feel about you, except what they tell you. And people have been known to lie every now and then.

I'm also terribly awkward. In cases where I've found out some one likes me, or someone asks me "Do you think that person likes you?", I've become.... less open and close with them? I guess? I just stop spending as much time with them, and often I'll even become a bit rude and sharp to them. And I hate myself for it. I want to be loving and kind and nice. And I try! I do try.

I think it's fear. I really really do. You know, I look forward to having kids (not the actual pushing them out of my vagina, but you know, the kids) I love kids. I do. Now, babies that spit and poop and drool I don't absolutely adore. But I get excited about having kids of my own. Whether adopted or the ones I carry myself. Because they will be mine, and something I can love unconditionally. They will be mine. I look forward to that. I can call them pet names, like darling, or sweetheart. And it won't be weird, cause they shall be mine to look after and protect, and love. 

With a significant other, you can't guarantee that they'll be yours and yours alone. There are other people in their lives. They have parents, siblings, friends, mentors. And that's the way it should be. But the uncertainty. It's annoying and difficult. Maybe I'll just be an old cat lady. That would take away the anxiety a bit. A bit like waving the white flag at the same time, though. Or, it's like not liking to order from fast food places, so you just don't go.
Now that I've bared some of my insecurities to the world......
here's a pick up line. Cause that's just how I roll.
I post stuff like this and wonder how I'm single

P.S. I'm on Pottermore (twice). The first time I was put in Ravenclaw, the second time I actually was put in Gryffindor. In case you were wondering about the title. I'm fairly sure I should be in Slytherin, though I want to be in Hufflepuff. I've spent long showers dwelling on such important questions as which house I'd be in. But I guess Pottermore knows best.

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