First I'd like to say, this isn't a shout for attention. This is me trying to figure out my thoughts, and insecurities. And what better way to do that, then by letting my thoughts ramble out to any random stranger who happens to stumble upon this blog.
So, I was talking to one of my bestest friends. And she was like, everyone (as in a bunch of guys we both know. Pssh. Everyone) likes you. And I'm always like, What? Nnoooooo. Whatchu talking about. And then she went through a list. And I'm always like Huh. I just don't feel..... Worthy enough? Pretty enough? I don't know, but I'm not something enough. I'm not sure what, but I just feel like I shouldn't have attention from guys.
Now, I do, so to say, invest in being cute. I wouldn't say I'm gorgeous, or even beautiful, but I'd say I can be cute. I do like pretty sparkly things. I do randomly wearing skirts every now and then. And I do love attention, and sometimes I do purposely not care if I look a teensy bit slut-esque. But, there are plenty of girls out there who don't dress girly or fanceh. And they still get plenty of guys. I feel I'm too chubby, I want my stomach to be flatter (who doesn't?), my head is too small for my body, I can have a double chin if I don't hold my head in the right way. I know that my body is not the most ideal. At least I'm fairly curvy. Always a plus there, yeah?
Maybe it's because I've never had a boyfriend. Ever. All 18 (almost 19) years of my life. And I've never been kissed. never had a boy I was able to point at and say, 'See him? He's mine.' I barely even had any friends who were guys before starting college. So maybe I just can't tell. Or I just consider all attention as the type of attention a friend gives a friend. I don't know.
I think some of it also comes from the fact that I refuse to ever make the first move. I'm not really for or against feminism, or traditional roles. I just don't think I could, even if I really liked someone. For instance, I hate just asking people for stuff. Which would probably surprise some of my friends alot. But I always try to work up to it, or get the other person to figure out what I want and then get them to suggest it. That way, if they say no, it's not as big a loss. That or they never figure it out, and we all just move on. So, I kind of go back a step with guys. Kinda. Instead of trying to get them to figure it out, I just try to be me. Never change myself. Which is hard in any case. Especially around people you kind of like, and want them to like you.
I think most of the insecurities about all this stem from 3 things. A) No experience in the matter. B) Not feeling like I'm the prettiest thing in the world. And C) Not having been asked out yet, despite being given lists of guys who apparently like me, and my mom constantly asking if I have a boyfriend yet. It's frustrating, and difficult.