I'm exhausted :or: Less than 2 weeks till I'm free!

If you are in college, or know someone in college, you might be aware that it's about finals time. Now, I have another full week of classes, and then finals. Other schools are already emptied out of their students. I envy them.

I feel drained. I have some homework up, that I could be working on. But I can't focus on it for anything. I go, type a sentence or two, leave. Do something else. I would love to just take a nap right now, and then attempt to get everything done, but my motivation is fried. Which just adds more stress, as I really want to do well in all my projects, but I don't care anymore, but I want to do well, you feel me?



Most of my stuff is due by Thursday night, so that we can submit it for the Spring Showcase, so after that it should be smooth sailing. Hopefully. After that I should just have my Psych test to worry about, all my other classes are heavily project based, so all you do is show up when the final is scheduled.

All I've wanted to do for the past 3 days is to just go sit somewhere quiet, and not have to react to anything. Maybe sit in a coffee shop and draw, maybe finally catch up on the latest episode of Doctor Who (which I've had since Monday, and haven't gotten around to watching yet), maybe just sleeping. Just, as long as I don't have to DO anything. I understand that the end of the semester is when you get to show the culmination of all your work, and bring out the best stuff after months of learning. But all these big projects are stressing me out.

Now, looking at it all critically, I know mentally that it's all manageable. I'll be fine, and I'll end up having made something I'm proud of. I've put so much into my assignments all semester, and I think I got a good return, and I'm sure my final projects will be good as well.

But feeling based, all I know is that my head hurts, I've been tired and sleep deprived and weary since Monday night, I have so much to do, I don't want to let people down, I just feel like I could start bawling at any moment, and people around me are starting relationships. Which leads to talking and feelings and shit. This all adds up to me feeling EXHAUSTED. I even got at least 8 hours of sleep for the past two nights, and I almost feel more tired.

I don't want to complain too much, I mean, I do love my major and I'm passionate about my projects (or I am when I'm not too tired to care). The thing is, I feel like I've just been going and going and going for the past month. I'm so happy the end is close, because I don't think I could keep going and stay in a healthy place for much longer.

It's funny, cause I see pictures like this, and it's just like, no. I am tired. I mean, yes, maybe there are a couple other emotions there, like stress. But right now, all I feel is tired. Honestly, the thought that tomorrow is Saturday, and I get to sleep for hours is one of the few things keeping me going right now.

That was all long and dreary. If you got all the way through it, bless your face. Thank you for reading through my feelings. Or current lack there of.

Welp. It's been a while, and I've missed it. If nothing else, pick up lines are good for a chuckle. I don't know about you, but I can most definitely use a smile or some laughter.

It's my life :or: things I have trouble saying

Right now there are plenty of other things I could be doing. I could be working on a paper for my psych class. I could be working on storyboards I need to have done in 2 hours. I could be drooling over the Nexus 4. (I want to get it this summer to replace my jank phone.) However, here I am, typing up my feelings.

Do you ever get to that point where you just keep feeling like you need to do something? Maybe something that scares you, or makes you uncomfortable, or you just don't want to do. Well, on this upcoming Thursday, I will be doing floor worship on my friends floor. And by doing I mean giving my "testimony". Now, this terrifies the shit out of me for two reasons. A: I have trouble with talking in front of groups of people. B: I'm not good at sharing my faith.

I mean, I don't even really have a faith. I'm still getting there. This is me, being honest, and saying if I were to do right now, I do not know if I'd go to heaven. And that's okay. Even if I was a professing christian, even if I was at that place, I still would have doubts, or wonder if I was good enough. And that is also okay.

See, here's the thing. I grew up in the church. Like, my granpa started going to church at Lake Avenue. And then all my aunts and uncles and my dad grew up at Lake Avenue. And then when I was born, I went to Lake Avenue. You see where I'm going with this? I never really had a choice. It was never my faith. It was always expected of me. Assumed, really. And I can't have any sort of personal faith, anything I firmly believe in, if I'm only believing it because someone else doesn't want me to go to hell. That's not how it works. I can't be a christian for anyone other than me. Well. Maybe for Jesus.

I stepped back. Not completely, it's not like I'm an atheist now. I still believe in a lot of the things I was told and taught, I still believe that there's a God, and that love is the answer. But I had to step back, I had to find out if I believed in this stuff because it made sense to me, because I could grasp it, or if I was just holding on to a ghost of someone else's faith. I can't do that. I can't. That's not mine. I know they say sharing is caring, but I can't share someone else's faith. That's like saying that David Tennant is the best Doctor, solely because other people believe that. (I actually don't have a favorite Doctor. Everytime I try to decide, I just keep finding things I love about all of them.)

And then there are problems with the church itself. The church is broken. I mean, it's made up of braken people, but that's not the only reason. The church is for believers. It is for Christians. I go into a service, and I feel like, as a good Christian being, I'm supposed to be convicted. But I'm not there. I'm just not. I may go to the service, I may laugh at funny parts, I may feel sad about sad parts, I may love the music. But I don't feel it. You feel me? I don't long to be a better Christian, I'm not sure if I am a Christian, how can I be expected to try and be a better one?

The title Christian itself is so maimed and hurt, both by the media, AND by things the church has done. I'm not really sure I want the tag on me. I think being a follower of Jesus is worthy of striving for. I mean, dude was awesome. At least canon Jesus, who flips over tables and was sassy. And he loved like crazy. I mean, what he did, he did for love. That is beautiful. That is worthy of emulating.

Here's the thing. I can't do things half assed. I either have to be in all the way or not at all. I either have to not give a fuck, or do it with all of me. I can't do it lukewarm; I can't be lukewarm. That won't work, I can not do it. But if I was a "Christian" just to make my mom happy, I would be lukewarm. I would just be going through the paces, pretty much pretending to be what I'm expected to be.

I'm actually pretty happy that even though the college I go to is a christian college, they're pretty apathetic about your faith. If I was here, and I was expected to be a holy and devote christian, I would not be able to try to figure it out. I would go back to doing what I had done throughout middle and high school, just doing the motions and not rocking the boat.

A faith that's not yours is no faith at all. You can't find comfort in it, there's no peace there for you. Maybe someday I'll get to the point where I can say I am a christian. But today is not that day. I don't have all the answers, I barely have any answers. And that's okay. As they say in A Very Potter Musical, "Okay is wonderful."

And like they say in The Fault in Our Stars: Okay.

See, where I am in my life is okay. It's okay not to know, it's okay to be figuring that out, if I live to 100 and still haven't figured it out, that's okay too. Actually, I hope I've figured something out before a hundred. But it's a journey, and it's my journey. It's my progress. There will be others around me who will encourage and council and suggest and want. But at the end of the day, it is my fucking life. I need to be the one to figure out how to live it.

So I spent the whole time I was typing this feeling vaguely panicky, and kind of like I could cry, and then I looked up The Fault in our Stars, and that didn't help at all. Gah. I love that book, but it makes me sad. But a beautiful sad, ya feel? The kind of sadness you get when you hear a song, and it's sad, but it's also gut wrenchingly beautiful, filled with haunting truths and could be's. And then it ends and you're just left there trying to decide whether to cry, or go back and start it all over again.

So. This is where the pick up lines go, and who am I to disappoint? I'm feeling sweeter lines for today. And a Hank Green quote as a bonus.

#feelings. ::or:: I'd like to be consistantly happy for a bit.

This isn't going to be super long. It's just feelings, pouring out. Plus I'm tired, but I don't want to go to sleep just yet. I prolly will after I write this.

I just sometimes feel like I want to sleep with someone. Not fuck. But just be close to someone and fall asleep. Is that weird? I don't even know. I just think it would be nice. You could even cuddle, and share bodywarmth. I think it sounds lovely. Maybe it's just me....

On another not, over the past 2 months, I have found myself incredibly attracted to Tobuscus on YouTube. I don't know why about that either. I just wish I could hang out with him, and be his friend. And play video games with him. That's not weird either, right? Totes not.
Have a picture of him. I'm contemplating potentially drawing this picture, with my awesome colored pencils, just cause he looks happy. Even with the bandaids on his forhead.

On a different note:


In philosophy, we're talking about personal identity, and I was just sitting there, like, Doctor Who addresses this in Journey's End. Oh. This was talked about in the Forrest of the Dead/Silence in the Library. This is just like The Almost People/Rebel Flesh. It's weird how taking philosophy after watching Doctor Who, and even after reading comics, I feel like I've heard a bunch of these theories before. It's weird. I mean, I like feeling like I get what's going on, and that it's not all new information.

On Monday, my Grandma is going into surgery. I really love my Grandma, and over the past couple days since I heard, everytime I think about being in this world without her, I start feeling like I want to cry. It hasn't been as bad today, possible cause I'm not PMSing any more. Thank goodness. But I'm still really worried. If y'all wouldn't mind praying, or if you aren't into praying or God, or whatever, if you could send positive thoughts for my Grandma in surgery, that would be great. And maybe some thoughts and prayers for my friend's mom, who is also in the hospital, and they're all worried. (Danielle, if you're reading this, I love you. And I am praying for y'all. <3 I know with everything going on, you might not read this, but I don't care. I adore you, and I want everything to work out fine for you and your family. And I'm cool with proclaiming my love for you in front of the internet. Even if you never see it.)

All in all, it's been kind of stressful, the past couple days. I am really looking forward to Thanksgiving break. Though some highlight of my week have definitely been the recent Lizzie Bennet Diaries.

Here's the latest one. Though if you really want some cheering up, you should look for the ones with Fitz. I've watched those episodes several times the past few days. And Nevermind the Buzzcocks. Which is also a very wonderful show, and a favorite of mine.

Pick up line time!
......I really do like pick up lines.

And finally:
Dear Toby, if you ever happen to stumble upon this, and you'd maybe like another friend, you should consider me. I am normally pretty decent at using proper grammar, and I'm funny sometimes. Other times just awkward. But I'm sure I could still be a good friend. If you'd like references, I can get some. 

 

I think he has a bunch of excellent points. Kay. Carry on.

 

You know, sometimes I watch stuff, and I just want to share it. Because I feel like it expresses what I feel and they say it so much better. Yah.

So. Tiny little rant time. The digital media arts department of my school has declared that all DMA students need to buy themselves their own tablet. Not an iPad tablet, in case you're wondering, a drawing tablet. Which, if I hadn't just bought a Macbook, I would be all, fuck yeah! I'm getting a tablet. Time for arts. But, I did just buy a Macbook. I know why the department did it, the ones they use to provide for us kept getting taken, and they were kind of jank. Some of the pens were missing buttons, some of the screens were a tad glitchy. So we'll get better quality and save the department budget a bit, which can lead to cooler, better stuff elsewear, but I just bought a Mac! My bank account is super low. I still have a couple other text books I need to buy. I'm super poor. College is expensive, man.

Now, I have a feeling I'll end up loving my tablet. I'm looking at the Wacom Bamboo Create, which seems pretty reasonably priced and a pretty good quality tablet. And it means I can do even more homework off campus, which my mom will love, since I commute. And I would need it eventually for doing free lance stuff, or working from home, or doing commissions, stuff like that.

If any one wants to see my arts (which are mostly traditional art), here's a link to my DeviantArt page: Click me. If you want.

Pick up line time!!

I'm a sucker for clever renditions of my favorite stories

THIS IS SO FUCKING GOOD. I don't even... How do they? He even mentions Kathryn De Bourg! So wonderful.

Okay. That's all. An entire post for this video because I AM IN LOVE. Who needs to find the love of your life when you can read about other people doing it? Ahem.

Also I'm really craving any food that's delicious. Anything. A donut, a hamburger, fries, MOUNTAIN DEW, cupcakes, bread, MOUNTAIN DEW. ....Mountain Dew's really important to me. I can't eat most of the delicious bad for you foods at least not for a bit, and then I still can't eat everything all the time. Though that might be gross. I have super bad bad cholesterol. Like, my mom broke the news by telling me I'm a heart attack waiting to happen. Which I don't believe is how people are supposed to break news. But c'est la vie. Anyways, I'm supposed to eat as little starch and sugar as possible. Which is super fucking HARD. I really like eating and food, you guys. In one of my favorite books (a Ring of Endless Light by Madeline L'Engle) There is this quote I adore. "Eating is an affirmation that you're alive." Eating as in wanting to eat, and liking to eat, and enjoying the food. Because, food is first of all, delicious. And secondly, it's beautiful. It can take hours to prepare and make some stuff, but it's wonderful. It's something you can make for yourself! And then bask in your success. Or cry over a messy kitchen, but whatever.

Though today I did eat some Subway. Because I thought I brought a bowl of tuna for lunch, (excellent source of protein) ANND turns out I grabbed guacamole. Yah. Since that, well yummy when paired with chips, would not keep me full till I go home and eat dinner, I ran out to get sustenance. I was going to go to McDonald's and get something, but they were packed. So I went to Subway, which must be at least a bit healthier. A bit.

PICK UP LINE TIME YYYAAAAAAAYYYYY

Scaredy Cat or I really shouldn't be in Gryffindor

 I think, I could be wrong (I don't have alot of data to base it on) But I think I'm scared. Now, I have my fair share of doubts, fears, and anxieties. For instance, I have an irrational fear of mannequins. It's not as bad as it used to be when I was a little tyke, but they still really freak me out. And I get anxiety when it comes to speaking out in class, or even Sunday school classes. I can't do it, till it becomes almost a fear or, what if I open my mouth and something stupid comes out? Or I'll be thinking about my birthday for whatever reason, and I'll get terrified that I'll just blurt out that "It's muh birthday!" It scares me. And don't get me started on public speaking. Long story short, I shake. It's not pleasant.

Recently, I've been thinking about boyfriends and how nice it would be to have one. But at the same time, I'm scared. What if no one ever likes me? What if I love this person? Will that person love me the same way? It's very very scary. It's almost like gambling on not only your fucking emotions, but some one else's too. You have no idea how they feel about you, except what they tell you. And people have been known to lie every now and then.

I'm also terribly awkward. In cases where I've found out some one likes me, or someone asks me "Do you think that person likes you?", I've become.... less open and close with them? I guess? I just stop spending as much time with them, and often I'll even become a bit rude and sharp to them. And I hate myself for it. I want to be loving and kind and nice. And I try! I do try.

I think it's fear. I really really do. You know, I look forward to having kids (not the actual pushing them out of my vagina, but you know, the kids) I love kids. I do. Now, babies that spit and poop and drool I don't absolutely adore. But I get excited about having kids of my own. Whether adopted or the ones I carry myself. Because they will be mine, and something I can love unconditionally. They will be mine. I look forward to that. I can call them pet names, like darling, or sweetheart. And it won't be weird, cause they shall be mine to look after and protect, and love. 

With a significant other, you can't guarantee that they'll be yours and yours alone. There are other people in their lives. They have parents, siblings, friends, mentors. And that's the way it should be. But the uncertainty. It's annoying and difficult. Maybe I'll just be an old cat lady. That would take away the anxiety a bit. A bit like waving the white flag at the same time, though. Or, it's like not liking to order from fast food places, so you just don't go.

Now that I've bared some of my insecurities to the world......

here's a pick up line. Cause that's just how I roll.

I post stuff like this and wonder how I'm single

 

P.S. I'm on Pottermore (twice). The first time I was put in Ravenclaw, the second time I actually was put in Gryffindor. In case you were wondering about the title. I'm fairly sure I should be in Slytherin, though I want to be in Hufflepuff. I've spent long showers dwelling on such important questions as which house I'd be in. But I guess Pottermore knows best.

An Ethics Paper I did for School. And thought I would share.

• Identify the facts surrounding the issue
• Define the issues surrounding the issue
• Identify the people/groups of people that are affected
• Identify the options for each affected group
• Describe the consequences of these options
• How do your values and beliefs including your religious faith affect your view of the issue?
• If confronted with this type of ethical situation/issue, what would you do?

I chose to talk about the ethics surrounding blogs, as I have a blogger, a Tumblr, a DeviantArt and I had to do a blog for class (Intro to DMA) last semester. I feel like I have personal connections to such an issue.

Blogs are like journals or diaries, that the whole world can see. It’s kind of exciting, really. People can write about everything, whatever, nothing. There is no limit, really, as what a blog can be. It can be a picture blog, a blog about restaurants, a blog that reviews movies, a ranting blog. Whatever. And with the easiness of copy and paste, save image as, and downloading stuff off the internet, it’s super easy to take other people’s “intellectual property” and post it as your own.

Now, when I did the blog for school last semester, our professor, Leeper, told us we needed to have a picture or a video or something, as well as writing what we think. He wanted us to keep it to story-telling and DMA- related stuff, at least kinda keep it related, but really, we could talk about anything. But I got use to taking pictures from DeviantArt and webcomics. And I did try to cite, and put where I got the pictures, at least. Sometimes I felt bad when I didn’t. So I tried to remember to cite. And now that I have my own personal blog, I don’t have as many pictures, unless they’re my pictures, or it says somewhere that they are free to use. Just cause I don’t want to accidentally take someone else’s work and pass it off as my own, or use it when they didn’t want it used.

I’d say this mostly affects the artist. Those putting their work out there, trying to get noticed, or just sharing their work with the world. I mean, artists put their music up on MySpace to get notice, but they don’t want you just taking it and adding it to your collection. How are they supposed to make a living if their wares keep getting taken without charge?

At least on Tumblr, you have the option to reblog. It shows who you reblogged it from, who they reblogged it from, and eventually you get back to the first person. And so, you can share what makes you happy without accidentally claiming it as something you made, or something you came up with. Some people put water-marks on their artwork that’s hard to remove without destroying the picture.

People still try to steal stuff, claim it as their own. Remove the watermark, touch it up. Change it just the teensy-est bit. I see it one DeviantArt, people will have journals where they’ve found their pictures around the interwebs, and they don’t know who to petition, how to get it removed, or they just want to spread the word, so people know who the rightful owner is. One person even had one of their original characters, that they created, and so belonged to that person, on a porn role-playing site. Which is just wrong. It doesn’t matter if the drawing looks just like what whoever took it thought their character always looked like. It’s wrong. It’s like slandering, really.


The consequences of it are hard to describe, often these people don’t ever get noticed. I mean, it’s a huge world outside, and with a world wide web with many people having Facebooks, Tumblrs, DeviantArt, Bloggers, Wordpresses, YouTubes it can be easy to just bury it. Not only that, some people have more than one account on each of these. I know of people on Tumblr who have hipster blogs, Disney blogs, and their personal blog. Even if they do get caught, it’s not like they get thrown out of the internets for all of eternity. At most they get blocked from a site or two, and maybe some hate mail. And that’s at most. At least they’ll get away with it, and have people telling them how creative they are.

Sometimes it is easy to want to take other’s stuff and try to pass it off as your own. I mean, it’s there. Surely it can’t be too hard to just take it, and put it back up somewhere else. But as someone who has spent hours on art projects, and making sure everything is as close to how I saw it in my head, if someone did that to me, I’d be super pissed. If someone took something I had stressed about, spent days on, thought about it while trying to fall asleep, I would just be both mad, and at the same time sad and disappointed. I mean, it’s mine. I worked on it. And you’re just going to copy  it, and say you did all that work? And so from the perspective of someone who has put time and effort into their work, I just couldn’t do it. I just can’t even justify that. I know everyone wants to feel special, and talented, but stealing other people’s work is not the way to do it. It only shows you are talented at taking what’s not yours.

I don’t mind people using my artwork, if they credit it. I don’t really mind at all. But not everyone feels like that, especially those who do want their work to be theirs. They don’t want you to take their work, period. It’s not a gift. It’s not a free for all. It might seem a bit selfish to some, that people won’t share their art, and their work, but with something where you have to invest so much of yourself, it’s completely understandable. It’s your piece of work. Not anyone else’s. And if I ever realize I “stole” or “claimed” someone’s work, I’d feel horrible.

Blogs, and artwork, and music, and videos are something that people make for themselves, or are something they do for a living. Not for anyone else. It’s theirs.

Gaaahhhh the emotions! And such seriousness

So, I how all of y'all are doing well. Yes? If so, good! I'm happy. If not.... Well. Boo.

This past week has been super stressful. I've been tired and bitchy (mostly in my head, every now and then it came out), and people kept asking me if I was okay. Which I mostly just felt tired, and I would be like, "....Yeah?" Good week. Then last night I was at home and had a conversation with my parents about homosexuality, weather it's right or not. Now, you guys know my stance. I don't care if you are straight, gay, bi, or a dinosaur. I support people in general. If you're a person, I support you. That's just how it is. If I don't like you, it's either cause I actually know you, and I just don't feel comfortable about, you are my Sound for Film prof, or you've done something horrible, like genocide, and you are unrepentant. If you do something on that scale of ...bad-ness. And you don't even care about the pain you've caused? Go screw yourself. Just... go.

Anyways, I normally like talking to my mom about serious stuff. We both listen and talk, and even if we have different view points, I've never felt bad for having a different opinion. Maybe a bit guilty for not feeling the way she does sometimes, but never that I'm a horrible person. My dad on the other hand, is so.... un-wavering in his opinion, in his stance on matters, that he makes me feel like he thinks I'm an idiot. Now, when it's something I want that he makes me feel bad about, it's not that bad. It's just me. For instance, when ever I bring up wanting more piercings, he asks me why I would want more holes in my head. When I mention Starbucks, he asks why anyone in their right mind would want to drink coffee. And let's not mention his opinions on dogs and puppies. He is practically almost racist against dogs. (Can you be racists against dogs?) But to make me feel stupid and idiot like for supporting people? Yes, they are gay. Yes, they are living that life style. And I don't know, maybe "being gay" is a sin. Maybe. I don't know, and I'm not going to sit here and raise my hand and be all "Lord Jesus, cure them gays." That is not loving. I mean, these gay people go through their lives, often being bullied, struggling to accept themselves. And if it is possible for these people to "change" or "get better", then all people like my dad are doing is making it harder to get changed. Just by being the quietly disproving, unwelcoming people.

I don't care about your sexual preference. I don't. I'm a fan of yours no matter what. And maybe it is wrong, I don't know. But I know, people who are strongly opinionated on both sides yell at the other sides alot. And are mean. And spew out hateful words. And I just want everyone to be happy. It makes me sad. It makes my heart hurt a little. I can't stand for something that just wants to tear something else down, no matter what I believe.

These blogs all feel really serious. Maybe this will just be a blog where I get all my serious thoughts out. I don't know. I was going to find pictures, but I really gotta pee, so I'm just going to rap this up now.

Kay. Bye. I hope this makes someone smile.