I'm exhausted :or: Less than 2 weeks till I'm free!

If you are in college, or know someone in college, you might be aware that it's about finals time. Now, I have another full week of classes, and then finals. Other schools are already emptied out of their students. I envy them.

I feel drained. I have some homework up, that I could be working on. But I can't focus on it for anything. I go, type a sentence or two, leave. Do something else. I would love to just take a nap right now, and then attempt to get everything done, but my motivation is fried. Which just adds more stress, as I really want to do well in all my projects, but I don't care anymore, but I want to do well, you feel me?



Most of my stuff is due by Thursday night, so that we can submit it for the Spring Showcase, so after that it should be smooth sailing. Hopefully. After that I should just have my Psych test to worry about, all my other classes are heavily project based, so all you do is show up when the final is scheduled.

All I've wanted to do for the past 3 days is to just go sit somewhere quiet, and not have to react to anything. Maybe sit in a coffee shop and draw, maybe finally catch up on the latest episode of Doctor Who (which I've had since Monday, and haven't gotten around to watching yet), maybe just sleeping. Just, as long as I don't have to DO anything. I understand that the end of the semester is when you get to show the culmination of all your work, and bring out the best stuff after months of learning. But all these big projects are stressing me out.

Now, looking at it all critically, I know mentally that it's all manageable. I'll be fine, and I'll end up having made something I'm proud of. I've put so much into my assignments all semester, and I think I got a good return, and I'm sure my final projects will be good as well.

But feeling based, all I know is that my head hurts, I've been tired and sleep deprived and weary since Monday night, I have so much to do, I don't want to let people down, I just feel like I could start bawling at any moment, and people around me are starting relationships. Which leads to talking and feelings and shit. This all adds up to me feeling EXHAUSTED. I even got at least 8 hours of sleep for the past two nights, and I almost feel more tired.

I don't want to complain too much, I mean, I do love my major and I'm passionate about my projects (or I am when I'm not too tired to care). The thing is, I feel like I've just been going and going and going for the past month. I'm so happy the end is close, because I don't think I could keep going and stay in a healthy place for much longer.

It's funny, cause I see pictures like this, and it's just like, no. I am tired. I mean, yes, maybe there are a couple other emotions there, like stress. But right now, all I feel is tired. Honestly, the thought that tomorrow is Saturday, and I get to sleep for hours is one of the few things keeping me going right now.

That was all long and dreary. If you got all the way through it, bless your face. Thank you for reading through my feelings. Or current lack there of.

Welp. It's been a while, and I've missed it. If nothing else, pick up lines are good for a chuckle. I don't know about you, but I can most definitely use a smile or some laughter.

My eyeliner is thicker than yo :or: Why I wear Makeup

A while ago, two groups were formed on Facebook, both a secret confessions type thing were people from my school can post stuff anonymously to an external survey page thing, and then the admins of the pages would post them. One is HU confessions, and the other HU Secret Admirers. The Secret Admirers one is pretty harmless, mostly just a bunch of shout outs to certain people. I even got such a shout out once, and I don't know who did it. And that kills me a bit. I have this unquenchable urge to know. The HU confessions is kind of a shit storm. It's just not the most healthy environment to post in. People seem to have two extremes: loving support, or mindless stripping down. Seriously. Sometimes I look at the comments, and I just want them to shut the fuck up.

Yes, we have freedom of speech, and yes, that post may be a douchesque. But there is absolutely no need to go off on someone that badly. Recently, there haven't been new posts, possibly due to the onset of finals approaching  and the comments have been much more of the supporting kind. I know both these facts as I just scrolled through some of the page.

But neither of those are really what I wanted to talk about. What I want to talk about is:

And then there's my comment which got 8 likes, holla. Okay, now this is not the only comment like this on either page. I have seen at least 6 other similar posts. And they're all about how when it comes to attracting men, or what these guys in particular find attractive, they'd rather you didn't wear alot of makeup. Or any makeup. It's all about 'Less is more;' and 'Letting your natural beauty shine thorugh!' I do know this isn't every guys opinion. I know there are prolly guys out there who couldn't care less. But this still bugs me, so let's get down to why I wear makeup. I have decided to include a picture of myself, it's not the best lighting or anything, but hopefully you can see my makeup.

I do wear makeup every day. Or at least everyday I leave my house, which is most days. My makeup consists of Hard Candy liquid eyeliner in Asphalt (x); Rimmel Scandaleyes mascara (x); and if I want to spend an extra minute, eye shadow. Normally from one of the Hard Candy Palettes (x) 

Now, this takes me between 4 to 7 minutes every morning. I don't consider it too much time out of my day, and it pretty much stays through the whole day just fine.

I like wearing makeup. For me, it's something I can do to help me feel  bit more put together on the days when I feel like a bum. Gotta put the hot in hot mess somehow, ya feel me? I like how it looks, I like the look of eyeliner and mascara together, I like how it almost looks like false lashes, I like how it makes me eighty nine percent more likely to remember to wash my face everyday. I like how I feel pretty. I like how it can help create the illusion that you're more awake feeling than you actually are. I just like how it looks. It's nice. I like it. ME. I. Notice how all these reasons are extremely self centered. They aren't about guys, or what guys like.

See, here's the thing. I do my makeup like I choose my music. I pick what I like, and then I rock it. Well. I don't know about rock it, per ce, but it seemed like the best word to go with both. But the point still stands. I figure out what I like, and I go with it.

I do not dress myself, censor myself, present myself for you. Or anyone. It's hard enough for me to live in a way I'm okay with, I can't live my life trying to please other people. No one should have to do that. If you like something, you should go for it. I mean, unless it's like murdering people or wearing the blood of your enemies as lipstick. Then maybe you should find something else. 

In conclusion, I like wearing makeup. I really fucking like it. Alot. I just adore it, yo. 

So. Yeah. If you like makeup, wear it. If you don't like makeup, don't worry about it. It's your life. Live it, yo.

Instead of pickup lines, today I will share some of my favorite makeup inspriations/people: 

Rachel Whitehurst 

She does YouTube makeup videos, and sometimes vloggy type videos, and I just adore her. She is gorgeous, and the way she does her makeup is gorgeous, and ugh. I have such a ginormous friend crush on her. She's also in the gif above!! Ya. Ugh lookit that perfect liner. That shit is hard to do.

Hazel Hayes: Confession, I don't really watch her videos. I barely remember to watch the videos of the people I'm subscribed to. But her makeup, man. And I've enjoyed watching other people's videos she's been in. .....That sounds kind of creepy. I'm sorry. I apologize for the creeptasticness.

I couldn't find alot of pictures, so go to her youtube, and have a gif.

I also like Paloma Faith's makeup. Her style, I'm not always sold on, but her makeup I love. And her music. Oh my glob, if you like wonderful music, you should totes check her out. Here's one of my favorite songs/videos from here:

Marina and the Diamonds, another wonderful artist/musician and absolutely gorgeous thing. More crazy awesome music. Have another video:

Miley Cyrus: I know not everyone loves Miley, but I'm a fan. I do perfer how her long brown hair looked, but you know, it takes balls to get a hair cut that's extreme and different. And then to keep it even when so many people are hating on it? So much respect for her. And her makeup is always gorgeous.

And finally; Ke$ha. Say what you will, but I love how she wears whatever the fuck she wants. Something thrifted? Totes. Something fancy? Also totes. And her makeup is normally pretty legit, I'm just saying. Fun fact: She is one of 5 artists where I have all of their albums.

Kthxbai

Quick little rant

This will hopefully be quick, and not turn into a long ramble. Just a little thing that bothers me.

Kay, so you know the term lol? I sort of despise it. As a reaction statement, it's okay, but people throw it in after their sentences, such as, my cat did such and such lol. Or maybe they put a joke and then lol.

No. If your status or tweet or whatnot does not amuse me, adding lol on the end won't change that. If your post is not legitimately funny all by itself, then it's not funny. If it is actually funny, then you don't fucking need lol. I view it as a crutch, like, "I'm not sure how people will recieve my post, or if they'll understand it's funny, so I'll throw lol on the end so they'll get it."

Um. No. If you can't figure out how to phrase something funny so that it conveys the funny, then why are you sharing? You must have found it funny. You got it. All of us out here, we're not terribly dumb. Try it without the lol.

This is more for the people who seem to use it every status and every fucking comment. I mean, I'm sure you and your friends are nerds. I don't see why I need to lol. I don't care that you fucking disagree with me. lol isn't going to soften the blow. If you're worried something you say might offend someone else, then either don't say it, or throw caution to the wind and chop off that lol. Personally, I'll respect you more. If you have the balls to say exactly what you want to say, and then not hide behind a cliche and trite saying, I applaud you.

This has been my rant on lol. I don't know if any one agrees with me, or I'm just getting irrationally pissed off. But I do feel a bit better now.

If only reading my psychology textbook was as exciting. I mean, it is interesting, and I enjoy learning new things. But it's homework, and I have a headache that I just want to sleep off. It's only 9:30, and I want to go to bed. I shall persevere, and power forward. There is my first test this Friday, which I want to do my best on. If that means reading my textbook, then so be it.

Pick up line time!!!

ANNDDDDD have a bonus Lord Disick. I've been sharing my art and shit without adding any extra pictures, or reactions, or pickup lines, and I've missed it. I've also missed hipster jokes. Feel free to share any and all hipster jokes with me.

I think he has a bunch of excellent points. Kay. Carry on.

 

You know, sometimes I watch stuff, and I just want to share it. Because I feel like it expresses what I feel and they say it so much better. Yah.

So. Tiny little rant time. The digital media arts department of my school has declared that all DMA students need to buy themselves their own tablet. Not an iPad tablet, in case you're wondering, a drawing tablet. Which, if I hadn't just bought a Macbook, I would be all, fuck yeah! I'm getting a tablet. Time for arts. But, I did just buy a Macbook. I know why the department did it, the ones they use to provide for us kept getting taken, and they were kind of jank. Some of the pens were missing buttons, some of the screens were a tad glitchy. So we'll get better quality and save the department budget a bit, which can lead to cooler, better stuff elsewear, but I just bought a Mac! My bank account is super low. I still have a couple other text books I need to buy. I'm super poor. College is expensive, man.

Now, I have a feeling I'll end up loving my tablet. I'm looking at the Wacom Bamboo Create, which seems pretty reasonably priced and a pretty good quality tablet. And it means I can do even more homework off campus, which my mom will love, since I commute. And I would need it eventually for doing free lance stuff, or working from home, or doing commissions, stuff like that.

If any one wants to see my arts (which are mostly traditional art), here's a link to my DeviantArt page: Click me. If you want.

Pick up line time!!

THIS :or: I'll stick with hamburgers for now

How many of you are tired of the Chik-fil-a thing? Me too. Though, I also want to say, I'm so tired of the way it's been handled. Up till now I hadn't really even wanted to talk about it. So many of my friends on Facebook posted about the appreciation day it and were all whoo Christian values! If more of them cussed, they prolly would have been all fuck yeah! And I'm so ready for it all to end.

Honestly, I didn't even really know exactly how I felt about it. I hadn't done alot of research, and all my "sources" were pro Chik-fil-a, so I couldn't even be sure I was getting both sides of the story. But then I read THIS. I think I know which side I'm on now. And it's not Chik-fil-a's side.

Now, if anyone who actually knows me is reading this, you may be going, "What? I thought you were a Christian!" Yah, well, I thought so too. But the whole goal of christians is to be like Christ. NOT to spend money on expensive though delicious chicken to prove a point. What point were you trying to prove anyways? Look at me, I'm standing in line to eat something because I believe that being gay is wrong! Look at me take a picture with my iPhone! Look at me as I drive homosexual people farther away from feeling welcome around Christians!

Now, Chik-fil-a, I'm not upset about you thinking marriage is about one man and one woman. Lots straight people think that too (though some don't yell it from the rooftops.) I'm not mad about you saying you support free speech, though honestly. This is America. And Americans fucking love free speech. And a day to appreciate delicious food? Who doesn't love delicious food? But this whole damn mess is so political, so line dividing, so isolating. I do not want to have to pick between being anti Chik-fil-a or anti gay. I mean, it shouldn't even make sense! What sense does it make to have to be either against gay people, who are PEOPLE WITH FEELINGS, or against a corporation, that mostly just wants your money and business.

Honestly. And to those who have gone to Chik-fil-a, and proudly declared it, I'm a bit disappointed in you. First off, you are excluding a group of people who you claim are sinners. That will certainly make those "sinners" want to come hear about Jesus! Next, I just want to share some scripture, you know, from the Bible: "When you do something for someone else, don't call attention to yourself. You've seen them in action, I'm sure—'playactors' I call them— treating prayer meeting and street corner alike as a stage, acting compassionate as long as someone is watching, playing to the crowds. They get applause, true, but that's all they get. When you help someone out, don't think about how it looks. Just do it—quietly and unobtrusively. That is the way your God, who conceived you in love, working behind the scenes, helps you out. So. That's Matthew 6:2-4, message version, in case you were wondering. And I feel like it is super applicable.


I prolly won't eat Chik-fil-a anytime soon. We're called to LOVE. Not eat chicken. Not point out what we see as other people's sins. And if we do end up doing these things, we aren't supposed to have giant signs saying "Look at me!! Look what I support!" Though if I do eat at Chik-fil-a, I want y'all to know it's to eat chicken. Not to make a point, or say that I'm for or against anything. It's to eat food. Just to fucking eat food.


I feel disappointed. It's not the first time, won't be the last. I just want everyone to be happy and like each other and get along. But maybe that's just not possible. And I'm pretty sure it's not the homosexual community who's standing in the way.

Here's a beautiful quote by the beautiful Darren Criss:

 
                                  Bravo, Darren! Bravo! Why are you so wonderful?




And finally, I found a pick up line that I thought was ironic. Cause irony can be fun.

Blessed and Clumsy :or: I have the best friends anyone could ask for

This week has been awesome. I've gotten to see some wonderful people that I haven't in super long, AND... I'm getting a Macbook soon. I've also felt so fucking clumsy. Like, I got stains on a BRAND NEW SKIRT twice the first time I wore it. TWICE. I was at this frozen yogurt place for my sister's birthday (she's getting old. Halfway to 50), and I went to add some whipped cream, cause you know, why not? And it spluttered. I've dropped stuff. I got some blood drawn for blood work/tests and almost passed out. (Though, really, who needs FOUR FUCKING VIALS OF BLOOD anyways? There's got to be a better way than to draw out my blood.) 

So. I've felt like my week has been awesome. I got to see my Amanda, and Danni, and Danielle, and Kelsey, and on Friday I'm going to see another friend! And we shall sit and drink coffee and chat, and I shall try not to Instagram my Starbucks... I only recently got a phone that can use Instagram. I like it. Lots. But on the other hand, it's like I need to be clumsy to almost counter balance it. Maybe I can't just go from having no social life to seeing bunches of people without having a bunch of super awkwardness somewhere in my life. I'm super happy I finally have something to talk about though!

I would like to add, about the blood drawing... It was supposed to be a non fasting blood work, but since I hadn't eaten since before 7:30 that morning, and my mom wanted to get it done before we went to Subway, it turned into fasting. Which may have been a large part of the reason I almost fainted. (But I didn't! I didn't black out! ....I was close. But I didn't!) Plus, four vials. FOUR VIALS. My blood is supposed to stay in my body, thank you very much. Gah. I hate having blood drawn or getting injections/vaccinations. And people wonder why I don't give blood.

And now the part you've all been waiting for.... PICK UP LINE TIME

Double Standards :or: Mmmm Smexy bodies

A friend of mine posted a link to this blog/post thingy. And it intrigued me, not only because I've had a tiny little secret desire to see Magic Mike, but also because I've noticed the double standards elsewhere. For those of you who didn't click the link and have no idea what I'm talking about, the post is about female's reactions to the movie, Magic Mike, which is about some male strippers. Honestly, I don't even know if it has a plot. But with Channing Tatum's abs, is a plot really necessary?

My last sentence may or may not have been meant ironically (but seriously, he has GREAT ABS) Now, this kind of sentence came from the type of person with balls, he might get a reprimand. If he were to comment on a movie about female strippers, and the actors being fit, it might come off a bit sexist or pervy. You know? Which I think is unfair. Now, I really have no clue what makes a girl "hot" or "fit" in the eyes of a guy. I really don't. Though I imagine it differs from male to male. I mean, one guy might see big tits, and think, "Oh wow, hello there." Others might not care about that at all, and instead be an ass man. Or they might be attracted to a fine pair of eyes in a pretty face. I honestly have no idea. I mean, my celebrity crushes are different than my friends celebrity crushes, which must mean we are attracted to different things. For instance, my main celebrity crush is Darren Criss. Especially when his hair's all loose and curly and he has a beard. Mmmm. Just mmm. So lovely. He's also got a very nice body. Well. At least torso/arms/legs. And ass. And face. But I digress. 

It seems unfair that men "get in trouble" (so to say) for this kind of behavior, while women don't. Men can't look at women's bodies and appreciate them, but women get a free pass....? Women can be just as vulgar/perverted/dirty minded as men. There are women who masturbate (at least if the awesome webcomic Girls with Slingshots is true to life) Women who think about sex all the time. Women who don't see men as men so much as a thing with a cock that would feel so good inside them. So why this double standard?

Recently, something of this vein has been bothering me. You know of pintrest, I presume? I do believe I might have mentioned it before (and my super awesome board of potential tattoos) Now, here's the thing that irks me. Lots of people are motivated to loose wait/get healthy, and post motivational things. Not a big deal. In fact, I'm for that. If you want to get healthy, and mayhaps drop a couple pounds, go for it. All for it. You go guurrrrlll. But one of the things that is often posted are pictures of barely clothed women. I had brought this up with my mom, and she was all like, "It's just motivation!" No. No, no no, no. You see, alot of the pictures I've seen are pictures we'd give guys loads of crap for if it was on their pintrest. (Do guys have pintrests? Point still stands) Look at these pictures. Looks at them. These are in the fitness section.

What person stands with their ass perfectly arched out like that? Honestly now. It makes for a very nice line, but honestly. And then there's the girl in the bikini. Yes, she has a nice body. But can you honestly say that if some guy you know had this picture on his facebook wall, you'd feel perfectly fine with it?

As a girl who has been raised in church since she was born, I've gotten modesty talks over and over again. We need to keep our tits hidden, we need to not dress slutty, we need to help our brothers out but not dressing provocatively. You know why? Because they're male, they have dicks, and they think with them. Well, it wasn't said like that, but you get the drift. (I just unintentionally made me laugh. Mid drifts are another thing to be kept under wraps. And by wraps, I mean clothes.) So. Most the people I know on pintrest are people who've either sat with me through such talks, or believe in mostly acting that way anyways. So why the fuck would they think it's okay to post stuff like this? I don't get it.

I'd rather it be all or nothing. I'd rather we all accept that sometimes we're attracted to people sexually, and sometimes we talk about a person as more as a really nice looking thing than as a person, or that we'd all just stop. Which would be super hard, not only for guys, but also for those who are going to be artists and doctors. You know? I believe the body is beautiful. (Maybe not cocks so much. Those are kind of icky looking, not going to lie.)  But it is beautiful, and it should be admired. Think upon great works of art. Like Michelangelo's David. I don't know if you know this, but that statue is completely in the buff. Nothing to hide. I think the big difference, between such a work of art and the photo's from pintrest, is how he's portrayed. He's not booty poppin'. He's not carved so his abs are the first thing you noticed. He's not giving off a smoldering look. He's there as a statue, not a carving of something overly sexual.


This is all my opinion. I could be sprouting complete and utter bullshit, for all I know. I just hate it when people talk about males as lecherous things who twirl their mustaches well fapping to pictures of almost nekked ladies. Women do it too. Maybe we don't fap to it. But we gush. We draw fanart. We drool. We go on and on about it. We kid about our ovaries exploding. We talk about wanting this or that person's babies. In a way, we kind of emotionally fap to them. Which could be just as bad.

After all that heavy talk about double standards, should I add a pick up line?
......Yes. But don't worry, I chose a super appropriate one. (Kind of. Just.... It's ironic, okay? Cause I'm just so hipster and all that shit.)

.....I'm such a lady. #sarcasm
So. If there's anyone out there who'd like to weigh in, tell me I'm wrong, agree with me, tell me I have nice tits, knock yourself out. As long as you aren't saying stuff like "I hate you!! Go kill yourself!", I'd love to hear what you think.



P.S. I'm off to watch some of the super awesome Lizzie Bennet diaries!! I made myself wait till I had finished my blog. If you want to watch the latest episode that I'm about to run off and squee about, hear ya go:

Edit: recently a friend told me this post was really explicit. I personally feel like maybe they missed the point. It's not about sex, or sexy times, or wanting to have sex. It was meant to be kind of an, we all have these thoughts, urges, feelings, whatever. But why is it expected of guys to have these thoughts, were as if girls have such thoughts, we just all laugh together, or we hide them? It's a part of being a human. Except for asexual people.

A Goodly Day for a Blog

 

I was just sitting here, minding my business, when I thought to myself, today would be an excellent day for a blog! Yuppers. And today, boys and girls, I want to talk about words, actually certain words that are looked down upon. 

Last night, I was talking to my sister and mom. And I had mentioned that I feel better emotionally, (and feel like I'm less of a bitch) when I've spent some time with friends. I had seen Danielle and Danni on Friday, and Saturday, I felt less pissy in general. Maybe it's just me, but I really think it makes a difference. Or maybe I just miss everyone so much...

Anywho, we're talking and my mom says, "What, you can't talk to us? What are we, chopped liver?" Now, I do talk to my family. But I don't bare the deepest darkest corners of my soul to them. I also try not to cuss around them. (Though this one time I said something about some one trying to fuck up around my mom, and I don't think she even heard me.) I don't know about you or your life. I don't. But even though I often cuss, I try to restrain myself around those who think it to be vulgar. Which can be super hard. I personally feel that we should use the words that best fit the situation. And if the proper word is shit, then so be it. (Later on I said something about how something pissed me off, and my mom put her hands over her ears, and went, "lalalalala" as loud as she could)

 
 So. Somewhere around the beginning of this lovely blog, I have a post that talks about cussing, how I don't believe in not doing something just because people tell me it's wrong. If I am going to restrain from doing something (like cussing), I want it to be because I have a personal conviction that it's wrong. And I honestly don't think that cussing is wrong. My sister said something about, it's okay as long as you use it in the right context! Which is bullshit. I mean, unless we want to make sure every single word we use is in the right context. All or nothing.

Now the point of this blog is not to say that cussing is fucking amazing and we should all do it. No. In fact, that's not even the point I want to make. The point I want to make is that sometimes, those who are against saying shit, fuck, bitch, all those fun swear words, these people almost seem more concerned with someone who says shit, and the fact that the word was said, than more important things. 

One of my professors gave us an example of this. A speaker was talking at some christian assembly/meeting/convention. A prominent speaker. He opened up with a fact, that stated how many kids die each year with out ever getting the chance to know about God. And then he said 'shit'. Which he followed up with, "Most of you are now more horrified that I said shit, than all of those children."

The point, my darling readers, is cussing can be vulgar. It can be. But words and reactions can be even more vulgar. If I had been at this meeting, I wouldn't have even thought twice about him saying shit. I have my own shit I don't got together, I have no place to judge. But the fact that there are children dying. CHILDREN. DYING. Probably of diseases that could be prevented, depending on where they live or don't live. THAT breaks my heart. It breaks my heart so much more than any "naughty" word could ever do.

Honestly, I would rather have people cuss. Really. I think the people who care about such things have become so sensitized to it, that they almost consider it a giant sin. Something to be overcome. But I would rather have people say shit than have them lie, or slander. I would rather them say fuck than have them cheat in their relationship. I would rather them say bitch than have them cut down other people, or hate on other people. There are so many things wrong in our society. I don't think cussing is our biggest concern. You can be rude and vulgar without cussing, by your attitude or how you say your words.

After that fun, lighthearted post, have a pick up line/daily odd comment.
Cheers

Scaredy Cat or I really shouldn't be in Gryffindor

 I think, I could be wrong (I don't have alot of data to base it on) But I think I'm scared. Now, I have my fair share of doubts, fears, and anxieties. For instance, I have an irrational fear of mannequins. It's not as bad as it used to be when I was a little tyke, but they still really freak me out. And I get anxiety when it comes to speaking out in class, or even Sunday school classes. I can't do it, till it becomes almost a fear or, what if I open my mouth and something stupid comes out? Or I'll be thinking about my birthday for whatever reason, and I'll get terrified that I'll just blurt out that "It's muh birthday!" It scares me. And don't get me started on public speaking. Long story short, I shake. It's not pleasant.

Recently, I've been thinking about boyfriends and how nice it would be to have one. But at the same time, I'm scared. What if no one ever likes me? What if I love this person? Will that person love me the same way? It's very very scary. It's almost like gambling on not only your fucking emotions, but some one else's too. You have no idea how they feel about you, except what they tell you. And people have been known to lie every now and then.

I'm also terribly awkward. In cases where I've found out some one likes me, or someone asks me "Do you think that person likes you?", I've become.... less open and close with them? I guess? I just stop spending as much time with them, and often I'll even become a bit rude and sharp to them. And I hate myself for it. I want to be loving and kind and nice. And I try! I do try.

I think it's fear. I really really do. You know, I look forward to having kids (not the actual pushing them out of my vagina, but you know, the kids) I love kids. I do. Now, babies that spit and poop and drool I don't absolutely adore. But I get excited about having kids of my own. Whether adopted or the ones I carry myself. Because they will be mine, and something I can love unconditionally. They will be mine. I look forward to that. I can call them pet names, like darling, or sweetheart. And it won't be weird, cause they shall be mine to look after and protect, and love. 

With a significant other, you can't guarantee that they'll be yours and yours alone. There are other people in their lives. They have parents, siblings, friends, mentors. And that's the way it should be. But the uncertainty. It's annoying and difficult. Maybe I'll just be an old cat lady. That would take away the anxiety a bit. A bit like waving the white flag at the same time, though. Or, it's like not liking to order from fast food places, so you just don't go.

Now that I've bared some of my insecurities to the world......

here's a pick up line. Cause that's just how I roll.

I post stuff like this and wonder how I'm single

 

P.S. I'm on Pottermore (twice). The first time I was put in Ravenclaw, the second time I actually was put in Gryffindor. In case you were wondering about the title. I'm fairly sure I should be in Slytherin, though I want to be in Hufflepuff. I've spent long showers dwelling on such important questions as which house I'd be in. But I guess Pottermore knows best.