It's my life :or: things I have trouble saying

Right now there are plenty of other things I could be doing. I could be working on a paper for my psych class. I could be working on storyboards I need to have done in 2 hours. I could be drooling over the Nexus 4. (I want to get it this summer to replace my jank phone.) However, here I am, typing up my feelings.

Do you ever get to that point where you just keep feeling like you need to do something? Maybe something that scares you, or makes you uncomfortable, or you just don't want to do. Well, on this upcoming Thursday, I will be doing floor worship on my friends floor. And by doing I mean giving my "testimony". Now, this terrifies the shit out of me for two reasons. A: I have trouble with talking in front of groups of people. B: I'm not good at sharing my faith.

I mean, I don't even really have a faith. I'm still getting there. This is me, being honest, and saying if I were to do right now, I do not know if I'd go to heaven. And that's okay. Even if I was a professing christian, even if I was at that place, I still would have doubts, or wonder if I was good enough. And that is also okay.

See, here's the thing. I grew up in the church. Like, my granpa started going to church at Lake Avenue. And then all my aunts and uncles and my dad grew up at Lake Avenue. And then when I was born, I went to Lake Avenue. You see where I'm going with this? I never really had a choice. It was never my faith. It was always expected of me. Assumed, really. And I can't have any sort of personal faith, anything I firmly believe in, if I'm only believing it because someone else doesn't want me to go to hell. That's not how it works. I can't be a christian for anyone other than me. Well. Maybe for Jesus.

I stepped back. Not completely, it's not like I'm an atheist now. I still believe in a lot of the things I was told and taught, I still believe that there's a God, and that love is the answer. But I had to step back, I had to find out if I believed in this stuff because it made sense to me, because I could grasp it, or if I was just holding on to a ghost of someone else's faith. I can't do that. I can't. That's not mine. I know they say sharing is caring, but I can't share someone else's faith. That's like saying that David Tennant is the best Doctor, solely because other people believe that. (I actually don't have a favorite Doctor. Everytime I try to decide, I just keep finding things I love about all of them.)

And then there are problems with the church itself. The church is broken. I mean, it's made up of braken people, but that's not the only reason. The church is for believers. It is for Christians. I go into a service, and I feel like, as a good Christian being, I'm supposed to be convicted. But I'm not there. I'm just not. I may go to the service, I may laugh at funny parts, I may feel sad about sad parts, I may love the music. But I don't feel it. You feel me? I don't long to be a better Christian, I'm not sure if I am a Christian, how can I be expected to try and be a better one?

The title Christian itself is so maimed and hurt, both by the media, AND by things the church has done. I'm not really sure I want the tag on me. I think being a follower of Jesus is worthy of striving for. I mean, dude was awesome. At least canon Jesus, who flips over tables and was sassy. And he loved like crazy. I mean, what he did, he did for love. That is beautiful. That is worthy of emulating.

Here's the thing. I can't do things half assed. I either have to be in all the way or not at all. I either have to not give a fuck, or do it with all of me. I can't do it lukewarm; I can't be lukewarm. That won't work, I can not do it. But if I was a "Christian" just to make my mom happy, I would be lukewarm. I would just be going through the paces, pretty much pretending to be what I'm expected to be.

I'm actually pretty happy that even though the college I go to is a christian college, they're pretty apathetic about your faith. If I was here, and I was expected to be a holy and devote christian, I would not be able to try to figure it out. I would go back to doing what I had done throughout middle and high school, just doing the motions and not rocking the boat.

A faith that's not yours is no faith at all. You can't find comfort in it, there's no peace there for you. Maybe someday I'll get to the point where I can say I am a christian. But today is not that day. I don't have all the answers, I barely have any answers. And that's okay. As they say in A Very Potter Musical, "Okay is wonderful."

And like they say in The Fault in Our Stars: Okay.

See, where I am in my life is okay. It's okay not to know, it's okay to be figuring that out, if I live to 100 and still haven't figured it out, that's okay too. Actually, I hope I've figured something out before a hundred. But it's a journey, and it's my journey. It's my progress. There will be others around me who will encourage and council and suggest and want. But at the end of the day, it is my fucking life. I need to be the one to figure out how to live it.

So I spent the whole time I was typing this feeling vaguely panicky, and kind of like I could cry, and then I looked up The Fault in our Stars, and that didn't help at all. Gah. I love that book, but it makes me sad. But a beautiful sad, ya feel? The kind of sadness you get when you hear a song, and it's sad, but it's also gut wrenchingly beautiful, filled with haunting truths and could be's. And then it ends and you're just left there trying to decide whether to cry, or go back and start it all over again.

So. This is where the pick up lines go, and who am I to disappoint? I'm feeling sweeter lines for today. And a Hank Green quote as a bonus.

Not Alone

So, Glee came on again last night. So good. So much Darren. And my friend Danielle was practically in tears during all the Darren Criss- y goodness. (Like when he was in the shower. Which was my favorite part as well)

But then she wrote a blog about why she loves Darren Criss, and Team Starkid. And it was beautiful. And it made me want to write a blog about why I love Darren and Starkid so much.

Growing up, I didn't have an abundance of friends, or really close friends. My sister is 5 and half years older than me, so she pretty much stopped playing with me about when I was 7. I was homeschooled and lived about an hour away from most the people I know. Off a highway, so I don't even really have neighbors. Don't get me wrong, I went out and did stuff with people. I wasn't a total recluse. But I never had a chance to get to be bosom buddies with anyone. I always pictured myself as Anne Shirley, but I had no Dianna to run and play with. And so, my bestest closest friends that I cherished the most, (and still dearly loved), were books. Through middle school and high school, the highlight of my week was always going to the library to get an assload of books. New friends, old friends. Some I left as acquaintances, which I never fell in love with, but I still recognize them on the shelves. Others I fell deeply and ardently in love with, and I read and re-read them like crazy.

Somewhere in highschool, between my Junior and Senior year, I discovered A Very Potter Musical. And I loved it. Also, about when I started, they had just put out A Very Potter Sequel. And I just watched it and loved it. I went on to watch Me and My Dick, and then when Starship came out I watched, got the album, would've gotten the shirts, but I had no money for it. On Friday, yes this Friday, April the 13th, Starkid's next musical comes out. And you can bet your ass I will be watching it. Possibly much more than once.

You see, the magical thing about Starkid, more than them being college students who wrote and put on these amazing musicals, more than them becoming super popular and still incredibly nice, The thing is..... They made me feel like I wasn't alone. Whether it was Harry Freaking Potter finally finding a home at Hogwarts, or a dick finding true love, or Bug becoming a Starship Ranger, they were all there for me. Through their musicals, and their cuteness, and their nerdiness. They are just lovely human beings.

They gave me hope for college. That I would find friends there, and we would go on to do great things, and be supermegaawesomefoxyhot friends. As someone who is really shy/awkward around people she doesn't know, I was super nervous about going to college, if I would become friends with anyone, if people would like me. Actually, I talked with people the very first week about Team Starkid. And we're still good friends. Actually the people I talked to are now some of my best friends on campus.

Starkid told me I'm not alone. That I need to kick it up a notch, that there's no way we're giving up, that I don't know me, the way they do. And when it's time, in less than a month, to say goodbye to all these wonderful people I've come to love for summer break, Days of Summer will be constantly playing. Along with Gotta Get Back to Hogwarts.

And I would just like to say, bless Joe Walker's abs. Just.... just bless them....